The Frustration of "Too Much Choice"

Hello, Internet world. My name is Michael. I'm a serial collector of informational tidbits.

"Hi, Michael!"

Seriously, I recently went through and realized something both frustrating and enlightening. I am a huge fan of Bookmarking and Favoriting (Liking on Twitter now, but I still think of it as Favoriting). In my world, "Favoriting" serves a specific purpose. It's not so much to say "hey, I want to show you I like what you've posted" (though I do that from time to time) but to say "this is something I don't have the time to look at right now, but I really want to look at it later". I subscribe to lots of services that send me emails with cool tips and tricks to test, code, and administer stuff. I have a digital library that has hundreds of titles on all sorts of topics. I have categorized listings of websites, forums and other services that are there to help me learn and do things better and easier.

The thing is, when I get up in the morning and I scan my Inbox, most of the time I just delete the notifications, unless there's something that really piques my interest.

Those links? Rarely visited.
That list of Favorites (Likes) on Twitter? Rarely reviewed.
That massive list of books? It's so big that most titles hide in plain sight.

I remember Cem Kaner saying at one point that having the information doesn't necessarily mean that it will be useful to you at that moment, but being able to reference it and know about it or where to find it is of value. Thus, for many of us, resources are just that, they are raw lumps that are there when and if we need them, but we have to understand what we have access to and when that access is relevant.

For me, I struggle with too much choice. If there are too many options, I simply get overwhelmed and never make a decision. It's all clutter. It's a challenge to organize it. I have a couple hundred CDs and whenever I go on a road trip, I spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to pick something to listen to. Often, I give up and listen to the podcast I downloaded on my phone. Oh, that's another thing, which podcast to listen to and when? So many choices, so many options, but do I really have time for a deep dive? Have I truly let that one podcast build up to ten unlistened episodes? Yikes! When am I going to find the time to listen to that? Since my phone has a limited amount of storage, I tend to be a little more deliberate with what goes on it and I cycle what I download, so I have fewer choices. The net result is that I actually listen to what I put on the phone.

As I've stated in this blog before, I don't write about these things because I'm particularly good at them. I write about them because I'm particularly terrible at many things but want to do better. Thus, I'm trying my best to constrain those things that overwhelm me. Yes, I belong to a service that lets me download a free ebook every day. Many (perhaps most) of those books are "someday maybe" propositions that tend to crowd out the books that are actually immediately relevant. Therefore, I'm trying something different. Each week, I'm going through a particular category of expertise and/or criteria I need to understand or become more proficient with. I'm looking at this from a Marie Kondo approach. I'm looking at the resources I've collected, taking some time to categorize them into "immediately relevant", "relevant later", and "someday maybe". My goal is to locate the items that are immediately relevant and then focus on those for a short period of time.

In other words, I'm putting a physical constraint on the information I have an use, not to block out all of the resources I have, but to meaningfully work on the ones that can be most effective here and now. It's great that I have books that will help me master a particular technology, but if I'm just learning about it or trying to get beyond the Advanced Beginner stage, do I really need to deal with topics that relate to mastery at this stage? No. Yet just by their being there in my line of sight, I lose focus and my attention wanders. I also do something similar regarding other endeavors in my office. I have a lot of interests and it's tempting to have a variety of things out and ready to use. The net result, though, is that I dabble in lots of things and don't put any appreciable time into the areas that are most important. Frequently I end up dealing with what's urgent or pressing, and that's great for the moment, but it can leave me lacking in areas that are indeed important but aren't urgent.

I'm not sure if this is going to be helpful to anyone else, but it's currently helping me. Take some time to block out items you want to work on, that you need to work on and then think of the things that will directly help you meet those goals in the very near-term future. If they don't, don't delete them but perhaps put them in a place where you know they will come in handy later, and try to set a hard time for when "later" might be. If you can't do that, put them in the "someday maybe" container. The ability to pick and choose is wonderful, but sometimes, it helps a lot to limit what can be picked so that you actually make a choice and move forward with it :).

Shadow Boxing: Something Interesting to Add to the Discussion

It's been awhile since I've talked about or added anything to my ADHD exploits. For the most part, I think I'm doing pretty good, but I am noticing that, over time, I do have to enforce discipline on various tendencies. While Concerta is working very well for the majority of my symptoms, I am still me, I still have my habits, and I still behave in much the same way, just more even keel.

This is a two part post, the first part I'll explain in prose, and the second will be in video.

For the prose part, one of the things that makes an ADHD brain different is that we tend to fight habits unless we are really into them, and then, often, we overdo it. There's little in the way of middle ground. We either don't do things, or we do them to excess. A person with ADHD is typically not "tidy". We are either compulsively clean, or we just let everything go. We go in cycles where we focus with laser like intensity on certain things, but we totally ignore other stuff. I had hoped that with taking Concerta, I would be able to overcome this tendency. Overcome in my case has proven to mean that my pendulum swings are not so severe. Instead of swinging between 45 degrees on both sides, it's more like 15 or 20 degrees. The point is, my medication will not make me any better at truly prioritizing my time or focusing on the really important things if I don't first personally make an effort to prioritize the things that matter.

Additionally, when ADHD people tend to want to make a life change, we do it in spectacular fashion. Most of the time, we don't inch into a new habit, we quit things cold turkey and take on new things at a moments notice. We're not the type of people to casually and over time build up to skydiving. We just decide "hey, I'm going to jump out of a plane" and then we do whatever we have to, with borderline manic focus, to get to that goal. My posts this past week about my excitement about re-purposing my office, or de-emphasizing it as a dedicated office space, seems noble and natural to me. To Christina, it's a time of intense anxiety, because deep down she is thinking "oh good grief, what part of my ordered world is Michael going to totally up-end NOW?!!" She's not behaving irrationally, she has lots of experience with me deciding to make a "small change" that ends up turning into a forest fire that consumes all fuel in its path. Her comment to me was that "it's great that you don't want to have to feel like your office is the only place to do work, I get it. However, if I start to see wires, computers, peripherals, electronics and all sorts of other stuff lying all over the house that I didn't have to deal with before, I'm totally calling you on it!" Yes, she knows me well :).

So what was that second part I was talking about? A friend of mine on Twitter alerted me to a TED talk about changes in the way that we could deal with mental illness and the ways that we treat it, and more specifically, that maybe there was a way to stop treating our brain like a bag of chemicals; where adding something to the mix globally changes everything. Instead, what if we could focus on what our brains really are, which is a neural network with distinct nodes and branches that act uniquely, and that, when acted upon chemically or electrically, perform or change in very specific ways. For those of us who deal with aspects of mental health that are not altogether "normal", this is exciting, and I am very curious to see what this kind of research leads to. I also hope that I'm young enough to take advantage of it when it finally bears fruit.

Shadow Boxing, Rounds 3 and 4

Ninety days in, give or take a couple of days.

So far, no one has commented that I have radically changed. In a lot of ways, I don't really "feel" any different now. The only obvious sign I've seen is when I take the medication later than normal. that leads me to having very restless nights and occasional insomnia. It has also led to some crazy vivid dreams, but again, I think it's because my brain is still a bit "amped", and trying to discharge. If I take the medication before 9:00 a.m., I don't have these issues.

Much of the initial experience of "appetite suppressant" now seems to have faded as well. I find I'm not fiend-ing for food, but the whole "work an entire day and get home and think to myself 'oh yeah, I forgot to eat today'...", that's not so much a problem any longer.

The interesting thing is that my wife and kids now know the days that I don't take the medications. There have been a few weekends where I've decided to not take it, and by Sunday afternoon, I'm being reminded of snappishness or drifting attention span. My wife has, a few times, asked me if there is any detriment to me taking them every day. When I said "no", she followed on with, "well, then please do so!" (LOL!)

The definite biggest change has been the change to my energy cycle. I feel a lot less inclined to wake up at 4:00 a.m. now, though I can if I need to work on something intense. I still do it once a week, but I'm OK with just doing it once a week right now. Standard wake-up at 6:00 a.m. feels very natural now. Most of the time, no alarm clock needed. In return, it feels as though I've gotten better with that "low ebb" I often felt between 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. Also, provided I have not taken the pills too late in the day, a bed time of 10:00 p.m. feels perfect. It makes me a lame date, to say the least, but again, I guess we can work around that.

I've been experimenting with a 25 minute time limit for many things lately. Not a true Pomodoro in the sense of 25 minutes on and 5 minutes off, but "you have 25 minutes. Can you accomplish this goal in that time?" My reasoning for this is that I want to make sure that I don't overly fixate or get too caught up in things that end up taking way more time than I intend to (my recent garage adventure is a perfect example; what should have been a two to three hour job, tops, turned into a 36 hour total time "engineering project". Granted, I had fun doing it, but I kept finding myself getting into the minutiae of how to do different things and make sure they were working right. Not that I'm complaining, I love the more useful garage, I just wished I could have done it sooner without so many "interesting" side trips.

Anxiety levels have dropped and for the most part, stayed down. I like that change, a lot. I hope it holds.

More to come, to be sure :).

Shadow Boxing, Round 2

"Oh come on, I had to ;)!"

It's now been thirty days since I made the commitment to try an experiment, some "Better living through Chemistry", so to speak. Thirty days ago, I took my first Concerta, and I've been taking it most weekdays ever since.

For those coming in late, feel free to do a search for "Shadow" on my blog and you'll be able to read the whole story, but this is in response to finally deciding to treat Adult ADHD with a doctor's guidance. The added benefit is that I'm taking an exploratory mindset to this. I want the treatment to work, but even outside of all that, the concept of Adult ADHD fascinates me, and I want to see if I can understand how the treatment works.

So first things first... the thought that my core personality would change. According to those that I have asked to see if I was behaving or acting strangely, so far no reports of radical shifts. I seem to be my normally goofy and energetic self, with a slight difference. According to some, my speech patterns have changed a little bit. To put it simply, I'm a classic motormouth; I talk around ideas and in conversations. I think out loud. This has, in the past, translated to my being "overly loquacious". While taking Concerta, people have commented that I am doing this less. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a rather wordy fellow, but it seems I don't mind a little silence now, here and there :).

I was curious to see if my diurnal rhythm would be changed. I have a tendency to naturally want to wake up at 4:00 AM many mornings, and I have a very strong mental state from about 4:00 a.m. to about 7:00 a.m.. I then fade a little from that high between about 7:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.. From 10:00 a.m. to about 2:00 p.m. I'm at kind of a low tide (not useless, but it's definitely not full throttle Indy 500 style engaged and active). From 2:00 p.m. until about 5:00 p.m. I enter another "brain blast" period (that aforementioned Indy 500 mode). From 5:00 p.m. until about 8:00 p.m., I dig into that mid range again, and from 8:00 p.m. until bed I'm back to that "low tide" state. That's been my historic rhythm for, well, years and years. While on this medication, those periods still map relatively the same time-wise, but the peaks and valleys are less pronounced. This means my "low tide" feels stronger and I can focus better at those times, but that also means that the "blinding brilliance" of those full throttle moments is also a bit more regulated. Ultimately, if it helps me to be more effective for longer periods, and with less noticeable up-shifts or down-shifts, I think I can live with that :).

Concerta acts as an appetite suppressant. I find myself much less frequently running to the fridge or the cupboard during my "flow" periods, and it doesn't feel like I'm Jonesing for food. In short, those "boredom munchies" have been greatly curtailed. I've lost about 10 pounds in the past month with little in the way of changing exercise routines or other habits, so that's been an interesting outcome.

I'm finding that I can focus more on unpleasant or less fun tasks. Entering that "flow state" also seems to be quicker when I need to tackle a big project. It's not a 100% "wow, I'm now able to dig into unpleasant tasks and just be awesome!" Yeah, I wish. I still have to do a bit of psych up and use some of my ever familiar tricks (pomodoro timer, hiding "eye candy", etc.) but I'm finding that I rely on them less than I used to.

I was concerned that taking this medication would mess with my sleep patterns, but actually, they have improved. I think that may also be in part due to the fact that I am now effectively not consuming caffeine. Since I wanted to see what would happen with the medication outside of any additional CNS stimulation, caffeine is mostly out of the equation (I'll have an occasional soda with a meal if it's there, but I don't seek it out). I'm finding that, if I can get seven hours of consistent sleep a night, I'm pretty good to go all day with focus and effective intensity. If I get less than six hours, I am less effective and focused, and if I get more than eight hours, I'm likewise less focused. Seven hours seems to be the sweet spot for me, at least for now.

One of the great changes, and this was one I did not expect, was that Concerta has helped quiet down a number of my anxieties and frustrations. I'm not going to claim a "Peter Gibbons" level of tranquility (for those who don't get that reference, go see "Office Space", and it will make sense :) ), but by finally quieting down some things that were freaking me out, I was able to separate symptoms from root problems, and get some much needed clarity on where I want to point my energy. That clarity culminated in my seeking a new opportunity and, well, changing jobs. I will confess, that was not where I thought this would lead, but it's been a fascinating and very exciting outcome nonetheless.

Yesterday, I had another appointment to evaluate the levels, the reactions and where we go from here. It looks like we'll hold at 36mg per weekday for the next sixty days, and see if there's any retrogression over that time. Again, I am aware that this is not a "silver bullet"; I am still me, and I still have many habits, interests, desires, phobias and dislikes that still shape me. The medication does not erase those, but it does give me an extra tool to help manage them and put them in proper perspective.

Round Three... bring it on :)!!!

Shadow Boxing: Round 1

Today is the first day of an interesting experiment. Well, it's the first day of the culmination of a month's worth of build up, follow up, and follow follow up.

This morning, I took what I hope will be the first step in changing the dynamic of the way my brain and I work. This is day one on Concerta.

I'm starting out with 36mg to see how it affects me. It's too early to tell, but I took the medication at 5:00 a.m. so I could be in s spot to comment on how it feels when I post this. I have to say, it's strangely... non intrusive. I don't feel much different, except for one thing. I feel less inclined to multi-task. Again, I have no idea if this is projection or wishful thinking, but I feel less "scattered" and more willing to just deal with things.

My dad and I talked about this yesterday, and he said it's highly likely I'll have one of three experiences:

1. I will likely feel a little more energetic, a bit more focused, and probably feel overall better about myself.

2. I will feel jittery and aggro, and probably not enjoy the experience very much.

3. I may not notice much of a difference at all.

Again, it's way too soon to tell, I'll probably need a month's worth of examination on my part and a follow-up with the psychiatrist to know how well we are really doing.

Overall I have to be prepared for a few things: this is not a silver bullet, and I cannot expect some magical cure. Also, the world has changed, dramatically, when I was a kid. Being a person with ADHD isn't such a stigma any longer, and coming to grips with issues and actually doing something about them tends to be seen more favorably than pretending issues don't exist, and wishing they'd just go away on their own accord. As my psychiatrist reminded me, ADHD doesn't go away. You really don't grow out of it. On the bright side, it can be treated, and at least from my initial reactions, Concerta doesn't feel like it will be all that bad. Time will tell, I guess :).

A Walk in the Shadows

Wednesday was interesting.  No, we're not at a decision point yet. Yes, I've had a referral, which led to an interview, which led to an appointment, which now leads to another appointment, which leads to...??? Yes, this is normal. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the evaluation of my Adult ADHD and how to ultimately determine what we will do about it.

The first step was my talking with my primary physician and getting him to agree with me to start the process of evaluation (that was no problem at all, actually; he was happy to help and get the ball rolling). The second part was to have a nurse practitioner call me and set up a phone interview and discuss a number of the basic areas that would have them determine, in the roughest sense, if I was someone that actually should come in. That was also a pretty easy hurdle to overcome, as I was able to answer pretty handily any of the aspects they would normally look for (and I think I added a few of my own that made them sure it made sense to have me come in for a proper evaluation).

On Wednesday, I went in for a longer form discussion with a Social Worker. This is the process that Kaiser uses to make sure to weed out any potential "fakes"; Ritalin and their class of medications are central nervous system agonists; I'm sure that a number of people try to go in and get the legal equivalent of cocaine/methamphetamine under false pretenses, so this was a chance for a trained individual to have an extended conversation with me, to talk out the details, and to propose questions and treatment ideas other than drugs.

I came away with some interesting thoughts from this, and one that I'd never really considered before. How's this for a re framing of an old problem... I fought against taking Ritalin and such drugs because I didn't like the way it altered my personality. At least, that's what I'd always said. This really piqued the social worker's interest because, for most people, that's a very unusual reaction. The large majority of people do not have such a reaction to it, or any other drugs in its class. Ritalin is not a psych-therapy drug in the classic sense; it doesn't alter brain chemistry or act to change mood the way drugs like Xanax or Zoloft do. So why would I have that kind of reaction? Again, the tester in me decided to play "what if..." and talk it out, and here's what I came up with.

As a kid, I really resented having to be treated for this. Why was I being singled out? Why were my other friends, who seemed just as happy and energetic as me, not being treated this way? It felt to me like my parents and others just wanted me to shut up, sit down, and not bother anyone. Fine, that's how we're going to play this? Then that's how I'll be. In short, was there a personality change... or did I at an early age decide to be passive aggressive about it and say "fine, you want me to be quiet? Try this on for size!" I honestly don't know, but suffice it to say, there was enough going on in my youth that that would have been a very legitimate explanation.

Also, one of the factors that encouraged me to stop taking medication was simple. I was having some success as a musical performer, in an environment that rewarded my creativity, my spontaneity, my wildness, and my over-the-top demeanor. It wasn't that the medication wasn't "effective"; it could have been that I wasn't willing then to overcome the resentment of having to take it, and then, later, finding a niche where my "defect" was seen as a "feature", and having the platform to exploit it for all it was worth.

With the end of this meeting, I have now been scheduled to see an actual psychiatrist, and then we shall see if and what treatments make sense. I mentioned that I was open to all options. If it meant medication, OK, I was willing to give it an honest shake, unlike my youth where I resented that kind of intrusion. There's also a behavioral element that is a possibility, including individual and group consultation, potential classes and the ability to interact with others dealing with the same issues. I expressed I was open to participating in those activities. It's good to know that there are options that exist now that didn't when I was younger, and the opportunity to interact with others who may share many of the challenges I do. It's possible I may have some answers that might help them!. The most telling, and for me, encouraging aspect of this, was when I talked about all this with my kids. My son was very quick to offer suggestions, including some of the avenues that have worked for many of his friends. I think we've reached  point where, at least for my son's generation, ADHD isn't seen as the same stigma it was when I was a kid. It's not seen as a black mark on your character or on your soul. It's just a part of life some people have to deal with.

One aspect of TESTHEAD that I have tried to keep as part of its mission is the human side of testing, and the things that I have learned along the way. That means that this site goes well beyond just talking about software testing in isolation. In many ways, my testing is informed by the very mind that makes me ask questions. I talk... a lot! Sometimes in circles. Often needing to be reminded of what's important and what's not. What tangents are potentially fruitless, and which ones might yield really good information. In short, understanding testing means understanding the mind(s) that process the information they receive, and the ways they go about receiving it. Thus, to me, exploring Adult ADHD fits well into the overall scheme of software testing. In this case, I'm exploring a very different software program... only this time, I don't have a developer to turn to and discuss how to fix the bugs... I AM THE DEVELOPER, and more to the point, I have some interesting constraints (or potential features) to work with.

Often, I seem to come back to the Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime". For some reason, these verses resonate with me today...

You may ask yourself, what is that beautiful house?
You may ask yourself, where does that highway lead to?
You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong?
You may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?

Unlike the song, though, I've decided that "Same As It Ever Was" need not be the answer. Stay tuned for further developments :).